My Grandmother (RIP)
My Giant Ditto Pokemon Plush (CURRENTLY MISSING BECAUSE I SUCK AT KEEPING TRACK OF MY BELONGINGS)
My Cubone Pokemon Plush (purchased at my very first competitive video game tournament)
My baby blanket (Yep still got it)
Many many plushes gifted to me/bought for myself
My Partner Remy (Just being in the same room as her)
Music (from metal to rap to soft rock to plays, just not country)
My Big Heavy Weighted Blanket
Comfy Cotton Band T Shirts that I refuse to throw out (even if they no longer fit)
Sweatpants
Thick Socks
Skinny Jeans (Looking good/feeling like I look good is just as comforting to me as soft clothing)
Singing to myself
Playing piano/Guitar alone in my room
The sound of the rain
The smell of the ocean
A night out with my family where my parents DONT drink
When my dads in a good cheery mood (a rare one indeed)
A text from my younger brother from across the room (Kids hilarious)
The couches in my parents old basement
A Sketchbook (never filled all the way)
Hearing someone else's breathing (reinforcement that I'm not alone I guess?)
Having my nails painted by Remy (preferably black)
A good god damn hug (with that perfect timing of both people silently agreeing to let go at the same time)
*Pictures because I feel the need *
Three things I've recently lost that have been incredibly comforting for me
Ditto
- Soft and squishable
- Thing I would squeeze when dealing with depression/anxiety
- Gift from my wonderful Partner
LOST BECAUSE I SOMEHOW MISPLACED HIM MOVING INTO HOUSING THIS YEAR (hopefully will be found sometime soon)
Big Ditto Plush, currently missing (somehow)
- Father's mother (somehow!)
- Taught me to play card games
- Always smiling
- Would come upstairs to hug me when I was in middle school because she could hear me come home from school crying from being bullied
- Would occasionally tell my dad to fuck off when he would be an ass hole (He's her son he had to listen!)
- Talked me down from a suicide attempt when I was 13. Promised she would never tell anyone. Kept her word to the day she died
- Always gave the best god damn advice under the sun
Passed away on October 3rd 2019 at the age of 84. She died at home where she belonged, under the roof of the house her wonderful husband built her with his bare hands as a wedding gift.
Grandma Cook, The best lady
Juliet
- Golden Retriever and Collie Mix (The softest fur)
- Would come plop in my lap on days I would cry when I was home alone
- Loved walks and Pizza crust
- Loved wearing bandanas but would tear out the bows we put in her ears
- Loved sitting on the couch even though mom wouldn't allow it (everyone else would when she wasn't home)
- Ate an entire chicken once (bones and all)
- Knew how to sit, lay down, speak, "leave it" and high five
Was Put down on October 16th 2019 due to cancer found in her stomach and liver. Too old to be put through chemo. Wagged her fluffy ass tail until the very end
Juliet, A Good Girl
*****End of "lost" things, even though my Grandma and Juliet will always be with me*****
Remy
- Before we dated, was the best friend I've ever had in my entire life
- Continued that streak when we began dating
- Helped me through some really rough times (and continues to do so)
- Used to bring me tea and strawberries on days I was too depressed to get out of bed
- The best smile on the planet
- Gives good hugs
- Makes me laugh a lot
- level headed, calm and confident
- Steals my hoodies (wearing one of mine below in fact)
- Gives me new sheets and pillows because I apparently "don't use enough" (she right tho, having more than 2 pillows is dope as hell)
- Buys me CD's and plushes when I'm sad/sick
- Always ever supportive
Luckily still in my life, not sure what I'd do if she was on the list of lost things
Remy, so very wonderful
Brendan
- Younger brother, currently 16 years old
- Weirdly perfect mix of my older brother (Sports, beer, all that shit) and Me (Being a fuckin video game playing nerd)
- Funny as hell
- Warmest heart on any person I've ever met
- Not a mean bone in his body
- Remy's best friend
- Kind as anything
- Always has my back (and I always have his)
- Understand's my relationship with my dad better than anyone (can't wait till he can move out/go to college)
- Always down to hang out with me, Play any game with me, watch any dumb youtube video I make him watch
- "I can't think of anyone I'd rather have to look up to" Brendan to me one time (kid making me cry)
- Honestly doesn't need to look up to me, he's already a golden boy
- Forgave me instantly even though I was really nasty to him when he and I were kids
Brendan and I have grown ever closer the last few years and I hope to continue that. Being so troubled growing up, I unintentionally took out some of my frustrations on him when we were kids. He forgave me before I even asked him for any kind of forgiveness and we've been best pals ever since. Also helps that Remy is his BEST FRIEND
Brendan, the best 16 year old boy on the planet *I will fight you on it*
Aunt Michele
- My father's sister
- My god mother
- Same hair since the 80's
- Metal Head (convinced that's where I get it from)
- Loves when I paint my nails
- Loves the music I listen to
- Always telling me how proud she is of me
- Always trying to buy my artwork
- Calls me frequently to check on me
- Would give anyone the shirt off her back
My aunt was the "wild child" of my father's three sibling family. One of my best memories is her chasing a young girl we didn't know barefoot down the road. She was running away from home and my aunt was trying to convince her not to. When she found the girl had good reason she brought her into my parents house and gave her a plate of food to eat while she waited for her friend to pick her up. My aunt is a fiercely loving and accepting lady and one of my biggest heroes
Auntie Michele, crazy dog lady
Lacey
- Older cousin
- Michele's daughter
- Party animal
- Knows pretty much all of my secrets (and she's a VAULT don't even try it)
- Funny as all hell
- Always saves me last for goodbyes so she can give me the longest hug
- A sappy individual (will never admit it though)
- A shoulder to cry on for sure
- Always up to do something crazy and out of the blue (go somewhere, make something)
Lacey is the first person who made me feel welcome within my family. We continue to share a special close bond that has brought me some of the coolest memories I have
Lacey, a secret sap
*PURPOSE OF THIS LIST*
I could go on and on forever about reasons why I'm angry. Why I struggle with emotion, my toxic and abusive relationship with my father, 2 years in an emotionally abusive romantic relationship, all the times I was put down by my family or my peers or strangers. But what I need to do is focus on what makes me who I am. WHO made me who I am. Why comfort and love appeals to me over anger and violence. This project is about comfort and love because I decided the last two years that my life needs to start to be about comfort and love. So here are some things and faces, people and places that embody what comfort and love means to me. I also need to start to be more honest and fearless about that honesty. So I decided to write about some special people as well in regards to why they have become symbols of love and comfort for me
in lists... threaded lists, back-and-forth lists...
ReplyDeletethe personal and the impersonal?
what goes next to, or before and/or after what?
return to the experimental, as was done on the wall e.g., here (that was a good moment, where you could "play" with the elements)